


Five AM

by thenewjameswesley



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Hospitals, Implied Borderline Personality Disorder, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Slow Burn, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:54:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23987719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thenewjameswesley/pseuds/thenewjameswesley
Summary: Upon his return from the army, Benjamin Poindexter gets a job working at the Brooklyn Suicide Hotline, a voice to callers on the edge of leaving it all. There he meets, Julie convinced he'd found his North Star just like Dr. Mercer discussed in one of their sessions. But soon, Dex's world falls apart losing the only thing keeping his head above the deep water. Until one night, he meets an FBI Agent by the name of Ray Nadeem, who takes a sudden interest in Dex.
Relationships: Dex/Ray, Lester | Benjamin "Dex" Poindexter/Ray Nadeem
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	1. Prologue

_“You’ll get a job, one that will provide you with a rigid structure and order.”_

Dr. Mercer’s words echoed in my mind as memories of sandy battlefields flooded in — ones where I was a soldier doing his patriotic duty, just serving his country. It was, at best, the latest fiction I had fastened onto. A fiction that society would tolerate and maybe even hail as a hero.

In the military, I found order. The type I needed to keep at bay the very tendencies that had caused me to go off course. Tough rules and protocols were hardly ever broken. The line between us, and the enemy was clear. You didn’t step outside it, ‘cause once you did, there was no coming back.The routine was always the same. My commanding officer would hand me my assignment and I’d head out to spend the rest of the day in 100-degree heat. And then I’d wait, sometimes hours, for the greenlight — “Take the shot.” — to come through the radio. Then it only took a moment to wrap my finger around the trigger.

Conditions varied depending on the time of day, which made hitting my mark difficult. I adjusted for distance, wind, or the hot humidity that raced through the desert.

Each look through the crosshairs presented a new challenge, one that I’d meet with a variety of tactics. For distance, it was all about finding something to ricochet the bullet off and still hit my target. The daytime heat worked to my advantage, allowing the bullet to move seamlessly through the air.

Upon day’s end, I’d return to headquarters to meet the praise from my fellow soldiers, because today I’d saved the lives of many, and that meant a lot to us. “Congratulations, Dex, on a job well done,” they’d say to me as I walked through the tent, swallowing their praise before gaining some reprieve as I lay back on my cot.

Sometimes I wondered what I was doing down in a war zone where the gunfire and explosions in the distance filled my ears. Truth is, no one cared who you were before. Down here, you were just a soldier taking orders from someone with a higher rank than you. It worked in my favor; I didn’t need or want anyone judging me based on the things I’d done in the past. 

And for me, that was okay. There was nobody to look down on you because of the things you’d done. 

I’ll never forget the day my tour ended with a few words from the commanding officer, who had turned to me and said, “Dex, this decision wasn’t made lightly, but I think it’s time for you to go home.” With those words, I was no longer a soldier, but a veteran named Benjamin Poindexter who’d be praised by society for having served our country.

I nodded, as I moved to collect my stuff and head towards an awaiting plane. It was time to start over, find a new fiction to become, and society once again would have to tolerate whatever that was.


	2. Newspaper Ads

It was through a listing in _The Bulletin Paper_ that I found my next fiction. The Brooklyn Suicide Hotline was searching for a few operators to handle calls from people like me. It sounded simple enough, knowing myself just how hard it was for veterans coming off long tours overseas to adjust to the life they’d left behind.

Difference is, I wasn’t like them.

When I enlisted, I didn’t have anyone. There was nobody waiting at home, nobody that lay awake at night wondering if I was ok. It hadn’t seemed like much in the beginning, merely a brief bother in the back of my mind. That was until the mail came flooding in.

There was always a sense of disappointment when I’d end the day empty-handed, despite knowing that it was foolish to expect to receive something. I couldn’t help but hope for some mail of my own as the room filled with ecstatic husbands and fathers peering down at photos of their family, or an ultrasound showing a little one on the way. Hope for the future seemed bright until it finally came.

When the time came for loved ones to reunite, it was nowhere as joyful as one would expect. Children no longer hugged the man they once knew as their father, but a shell of him. Wives no longer kissed the cheek of the man they had sworn to be with forever.

No matter what anyone said to themselves, nobody could deny that they came out a different person. You’re never the same after serving. How could you be after you’ve experienced the horrible things you did?

You’re never _just_ a veteran. Now you’re the brother with a drinking problem. You’re the husband that takes away his problems with drugs. You’re the father who can’t be around his children because the sounds of them crying reminds you too much of the ones you couldn’t save.

Or maybe, you’re among the lucky ones who didn’t get it as bad as the others, but the truth is, very few of us come back fine. We all come back with something.

Mine, I’ve come to learn, is a repeating nightmare. It’s the same scene, same imagery every single time. 

There’s nothing unfamiliar about the burn of the hot sun beating down on me as I look through my rifle’s scope, awaiting word from my commanding officer.

Then it’s different, but not in the good way. I can still feel the suffocating intensity of the presence of an enemy behind me, growing closer as he nears. He glares at me, the very man I’m supposed to take down, but he hasn’t got a clue. All he sees is a lone soldier on a rooftop or an easy target. 

With one squeeze of the trigger on the gun in his hand, I’d be dead. The nightmare never gets any further than him training his gun on me before I wake, sweat dripping off my skin safe and sound in my apartment, but in my head I’m still with the target on that rooftop.

So, I decided to take the job knowing I could do something to help someone or relate to what they were going through. The training was straightforward. A call would come in, and we’d pick up our clipboard, going through a special checklist with the caller. If we couldn’t help or if the situation became dangerous, our instructions directed us to notify the appropriate authorities: police, ambulance. Whatever happened, we were their first call; that itself was important to us.

I found my North Star, but I think she prefers to be called Julie. Kind, gentle, helpful to others, Qualities I knew I’d never have. Yet she became this idol to me, every shift I’d watch her from afar, glancing up as she made her way past the many cubicles. I’d hear her speak words of praise as my colleagues took incoming calls. 

“You’re doing amazing” 

Doing the only thing I could, I shot her a smile in response

Her smile quickly faded. Perhaps she knew it was me, the man sitting inside his car outside her favorite pizza place every night. Julie was far too nice to say anything in front of everyone. But I saw it in the wariness in her eyes, or how her tone of voice rose when she spoke. 

Before long, she’s disappeared down the hallway . Lifting my clipboard off the desk, I took the next call. It was probably going to be my last one; my shift would be over soon, and I was eager to get out of here. Though I didn’t mind working these late shifts because seeing Julie again kept me going.

I’d grown tired of taking calls, all of them with the same stories of someone in their lives causing them pain. So much that they thought taking their own lives was the only way out. But I wished I could tell them there was another way, one that didn’t end with them gone.

“Suicide Prevention, this is Dex.” 

“Hello?” the caller responded

“Who am I speaking with?” 

“Sam,”

“Are you thinking of taking your life tonight, Sam?” I said, looking down at the checklist

“I…I don’t know. I can’t deal with him anymore. It’s just too much. Every night he barges into my room drunk. “

“What are you dealing with, Sam? You keep mentioning him?” I made some notes on the page.

“My step- dad won’t be any different tonight. He’ll have a few drinks, then come into my room ready to hit me, yelling the same thing over and over. I just want it to stop. I can’t keep going like this.” 

“If this asshole step dad of yours is giving you so much grief, then why take your own life? Why not- I cut myself off and looked down at the sheet waiting until Julie passed by, beginning again. “Take a deep breath Sam. We’re going to work through this together. I’m not going anywhere” I continued 

“Do you have a gun, Sam? What kind of gun do you have?” I asked, reverting to my earlier remark 

“I do, an M11.”

“I’m familiar with the M11, did a couple years in the army. Got real cozy with the M11, it’s reliable.” 

“What are you saying?” Sam asked

“Why not take him out instead?” 

The call soon ended as I set my headset down. A smile stretched across my lips realizing the advice I’d given Sam. Their light didn’t have to go out- because their step dad liked to come into their room, drunk, and ready to start a fight. He was the problem, not Sam. 

I said some things I probably shouldn’t have, but I did anyway. All Julie saw was a model employee, following the checklist just like we were told. If things went badly, it was my word against hers and the police would have no choice but to leave it. 

Pushing my chair in, I grabbed my coat and headed for the door. The cold fall air brushed against my face as I made my way down the sidewalk, regretting the decision to walk with every step that I took.  The wind howled behind me as I picked up my pace, hoping somehow I'd get back to my warm apartment faster. 

Passing a church, I saw a blind man sitting outside on the steps, his red glasses catching my eye before he disappeared inside.  A faithful man, whose world was nothing but a sea of black, and his faith was that bit of light in that darkness.  I was glad he couldn’t see me beneath the mask I hid behind. 

I shifted my gaze around the empty streets to see a man dressed in a fancy suit standing beside a black SUV. Perhaps he was waiting on his mistress, turning your back on the one you loved for a night seemed kind of cold. 

Or he’d been looking for his next victim gearing up to capture them, and stuff them inside the vehicle’s trunk. I shivered at the thought as I hurried down the sidewalk, it was cold, and getting home was the only thing on my mind. 

But I paused,  glancing over at the man who was still standing silently 

“Are you lost?” he asked, looking over at me.

I decided to stay silent, unwilling to make small talk. I rounded the corner as walking the streets by yourself at 3am seemed dangerous enough. 

With a quick turn I looked behind me only to see the man had abandoned his post and followed me. 

“I’m not lost,” I stated, backing away.

I swallowed hard. Clearly my answer hadn’t satisfied him, or maybe he was simply trying to decide how to get rid of me.

“You all alone tonight?” the man asked

Dex scoffed. “I am, and why do you care, are you a cop or something? Could you just arrest me, or let me go? It’s been a long night.”

“The city isn’t safe at night, and you’re the perfect target for one of these ‘vigilantes’ running around delivering their own brand of justice.” 

“Vigilantes? Look, you’ve clearly seen too many superhero movies. And if I were one, would you arrest me? Assuming you're a cop or something. If you don’t mind, I’m going to continue on my way.” 

“Wait, you’re right I’m not a cop but I am FBI.” 

Stopping in my tracks, I turned to him once again. “Then show me your badge.”

The man nodded, seemingly obliging to my request as he reached into his jacket pocket.

‘Here—look, do you believe me now?” He handed me his badge.

“Special Agent Ray Nadeem,” I read, opening it up.

“Seeing as you know my name, it’s only fair I learn yours?”

“I’m Dex”

Ray smiled as I returned his badge. His hand emerged from his pocket, stuffing it back into it. “Would you like a ride home, Dex?”

“It’s freezing, and you aren’t exactly dressed for the weather.” Ray said, handing over his jacket. He could see the wariness on my face. Ray sighed, he felt tired and his feet were growing sore from standing. “I’m curious, what is it about me that you don’t trust?”

“Thanks” I mumbled, slipping the jacket over mine. I looked away as I spoke, “Maybe the fact you could be lying, and you’re not really FBI. Or you’re standing here thinking of a reason to bring me in.” 

Ray furrowed his brow, “Have you done something, Dex? Is there something you’d like to tell me?”

Dex smirked, “I haven’t done anything wrong, Ray last time I checked, working at a hotline wasn’t illegal. You cops are all the same, always after some information that will work in your favor. But you’re out of luck tonight, ‘Special Agent’ cause there’s none here.” 

Ray frowned listening as I spoke, “Working there isn’t illegal.  But I’m not like the others, thinking every guy walking the streets is a criminal. Yeah, judging by your pace I did think you were running from something.  Then you stopped and I saw the look on your face, it worried me. So I reached out.”

“Comes with the job I guess. After I returned from the army, everywhere I looked, all I saw were targets.Now things are different, I can leave that part of me behind. I work at a suicide hotline. Point is, I get it. Does your offer still stand?” 

“An unfortunate side-effect. Have you decided to take me up on it?” Ray asked

I shivered as the wind picked up around me, “Maybe I have, you seem like one of the good guys, Ray. Someone I want to trust.” 

Nodding, a  half-smile spread across his lips as I spoke, giving me the impression he was satisfied with my decision of leaving behind a cold night in Hell’s Kitchen for the warm confines of his car.

“Follow me, car’s just over here.” Ray gestured to the waiting SUV

Ray opened the passenger door allowing me to hop in, hoping he’d let me sit in silence for the few minutes drive over to my apartment complex. But much to my dismay, Ray’s lips soon parted to ask another question. 

“ Are you new to town, Dex?” He asked. 

“N-No, I was born and raised here in New York” I stammered, turning my head towards the window.

Ray started the car, eyes  glancing up to the road before him, and away from me,  but that didn’t stop another inquiry from rolling off his lips.

“You mentioned being in the army earlier. What did you do?”

“I was a sniper. Did a few tours.”

Ray nodded, “That sounds intense. Thank you for your service. A lot of us don’t appreciate what soldiers do for us.”

Furrowing my brow, I looked back over at him, “Thank you, Ray. It was, but that’s all in the past. I don’t like to talk about what I did overseas.”

“Do you have anyone waiting at home for you?” Ray asked, changing the subject.

I sighed,  casting a glance to the floor, “There’s no one. Just me.”

Silence fell between us  as I glanced over at him. He wore a gold wedding band around his finger, hands steadily gripping the steering wheel as we drove. I imagined Ray had a partner waiting for him at home wondering if he was okay, or still at the office having missed another dinner. Yet here he was, driving a stranger home.

“You do this alot? Pick strangers up off the street offering them rides home. I think you’d be a bit more careful being FBI and all?” 

Ray sighed, “I wasn’t waiting for strangers, besides I can’t discuss an ongoing case with you”

“Work-related then. But why did you pick me up? Clearly I’m not whoever you’re looking for or I’d be in handcuffs.”

“Like I said earlier, I was worried about you.”

“Do you worry about every guy hurrying down the sidewalks at night? I know you can’t talk about it, but is there something I need to be worried about?”

A heavy breath escaped the agent’s lips as he thought about what he could possibly say to the man next to him. Dex had to have trusted him a bit, to have hopped into his car. “Would it be so wrong if I did? I don’t know why you were hurrying down the sidewalk, if you were being chased or it was simply too cold out. And you’re right I can’t, and it would be inappropriate for me to tell you this but as of right now this city does need to be worried.”

One might think I fit into the category of people this vigilante, or whoever had decided to threaten the city would go after. The type of man who delivers revenge on his baseball coach for pulling him from the perfect game, wanting to give someone else a chance. I was labeled a misunderstood kid who let their anger get the best of him, as they shipped me off to a therapist. Leaving me in the office of Dr. Eileen Mercer, while she pried with questions about that day in hopes she’d be able to simply slap a diagnosis on paper: a box I’d be stuffed in for the rest of my life, just like these criminals being sought after as society looked down on me. 

I enjoyed my time with Dr. Mercer,  but when she got diagnosed with cancer, it had changed everything. It had torn me  apart so much that I wanted to take her life because she was going to leave me just like everyone else in my life.  Now all I had left were the tapes she’d given me at our last session, telling me to listen to them when I felt lost, and to find a North Star to guide me. 

Ray seemed to be the perfect example of everything society tolerated. I know that type of man, settled down with a good partner, and a decent job. His only flaw was probably being a workaholic who spent way more time at the office than he did at home. There wasn’t a mask he slipped on heading out to work, nor the need to make up a story. Ray was just, well, Ray. 

My eyes grew heavy. I struggled to keep myself from drifting off. A yawn nagged at my lips as we continued to drive. I had no idea what this man was doing standing on a dimly lit street in Hell’s Kitchen. Perhaps he’d hoped to meet someone. Or he was avoiding the person waiting for him at home, not wanting another lecture about working normal hours.

Soon we pulled up to my apartment building, its familiar brick front filling my  view  as the car came to a stop. “Thank you for the ride,” I said, exiting the vehicle before I began to make my way across the parking lot.

“Have a goodnight, Dex.” Ray responded, causing me to pause mid-step as I looked back towards him before he drove off.

The thought of sleep was all that occupied my mind as I continued the short walk towards the building and made my way inside. Yawning, I climbed the few steps up to my  place. 

I slid off his jacket and mine, the scent of Ray’s cologne filling my nostrils as I placed it on the chair before taking off my t-shirt as well. I collapsed onto the bed, and drifted off to sleep, unbothered by the usual insomnia that plagued my nights.

\------ The next morning------

Sunlight flooded in through my bedroom window, as I sat up in awe of the sleep I’d managed to get last night knowing I’d be well rested for my shift later. Perhaps thoughts of Ray had quieted the nightmares.

A grin spread across my face as I shoved the bedsheets aside heading for the bathroom. I glanced up at the reflection in the small mirror, I couldn’t help but think about Ray and how pointless it was to start a friendship. “You’re a great guy, Dex, but we can’t be friends anymore.” I could already imagine the rejection. 

My heart sank as the words echoed through my mind. I held the cold porcelain rim of the sink with a tight grip, sweat pouring down my face.  Blinking, I tried to fight off the urge but it was useless. I drove my hand straight into the mirror as the glass shattered.

Blood dripped from my hand as I stumbled around the bathroom, chest heaving as I searched for a bandage or anything to ease the bleeding before finally giving up and collapsing to the floor.

“Damn it!” I screamed. The only thing that could ease my feelings was the sound of Dr Mercer’s voice reminding me I’m okay.  But my tape recorder was nowhere near me, yet I wished with everything that it was.

Pushing some glass aside, I rose from the floor in hopes of making it to the shower. Instead I slipped, crashing back down onto the cold tile. I  shouted when my cell phone buzzed from the other room.

“Get yourself together, Dex. It’s not Ray.” I thought, positioning myself to make another attempt to get up as my hand continued to bleed.

I finally got onto my feet while my phone still buzzed. I opened the shower door and flicked the handle up. As the water hit my skin, I watched the blood being washed away. The sound of the shower helped calm my mind, but it did nothing for the yearning I felt to see Ray again. Perhaps I’d see him on my way home tonight, and he’d offer me another lift home.

Somehow though, I knew I wouldn’t see him again. I couldn’t. Nothing good would ever come from me getting attached, especially after what I did to Julie; stalking her until she had no choice but to throw me out of her life. She’d become frightened of me. I’d hurt her almost as if I were a monster.

I used my good hand to shut off the water and reached for a towel. My bathroom floor looked like the scene of a fight. Glancing over at the mirror, I saw the reflection of my toned body filling what’s left of it as I began to imagine Ray’s hands running over my chest feeling my soft skin against his palms.

“Snap out of it, Dex,” I mumbled, heading out of the bathroom. My hand had stopped bleeding for  the time being but if I didn’t do something soon it would become infected . Grabbing a t-shirt off my bed, I threw it over my head, and removed my soaking wet jeans replacing them with a clean pair of sweatpants.

Peering over at the small clock on my nightstand, I saw there was a few hours before my shift started. Maybe I’d take a walk to clear my head. Lust, and love, were things Dr Mercer and I had never discussed.. There wouldn’t be a tape in the box that could ease the feelings I had. 

I survived being alone my whole life, which is easy when your parents don’t give a damn about you. Just my mere existence angered them. Then one day, they were just gone, no one ever told me how they died. And maybe that was a good thing. Growing up in that boys home seemed like paradise compared to how  things were before. As for Dr. Mercer, she was the only one to truly care about me, the reason why I was still here.

My gaze shifted over to his jacket, hung over the chair from the night before, its smell lingering in the room as I made my way over to it. I reached into one of the pockets feeling around inside until finding what looked to be Ray’s wallet. 

Pulling it out, I paused knowing Ray was home without it and would no doubt come looking. I’d be seen as a thief, and he’d get to bring me in. Opening it, I peered at its contents before my eyes landed on a card as I slipped it out. 

I picked up my cell phone, and dialed the number on the card I’d found bringing it to my ear. 

“Hi, Dex.”

I blinked, fingers curling around the side of the phone. 

“Ray?”

‘Yeah, uh.” There was a moment of stalling before I heard him exhale noisily. ”How did you get my number? I don’t remember giving it to you last night.”

“You gave me your jacket, and this morning  I found your wallet inside one of the pockets. So I opened it up, and saw a card. Don’t be mad at me, Ray.” 

“I’m not angry, Dex.” 

“So are how you?” 

“I’m fine I suppose. As one could be, after receiving divorce papers.”

Shoving my free hand into my pocket, I casted  a glance  to the floor while I listened to him go on.

“I’m sorry. That sounds hard.” 

“Thank you. Are you free right now? I could use someone to talk to.” 

“I am, but my shift at the hotline is in a few hours.” 

“Then you have plenty of time, Dex. Why don’t you come see me?” 

I hesitated for a moment.

“I could.” 

“Good.” The smile was  clear in Ray’s voice. “I’m in the neighborhood , if you want to meet up.”

I sighed as the line fell silent, he’d hung up leaving me with the dilemma of staying safe in my apartment or letting him see me again. I shouldn’t, this was going to end with Ray seeing through the mask I wore over the real me. Concluding that I wasn’t the man he’d pictured. Getting attached to him, would only end like it did with Julie; me getting left behind. 

Grabbing his jacket, I headed down the long flight of stairs from my apartment.  I looked around, before my eyes landed on Ray, who was standing outside the building’s main entrance, black hair slicked back with too much gel, dressed in a suit like the one from the night before. 

I looked around, before my eyes settled on Ray, standing outside the building’s main entrance, black hair slicked back with too much gel, dressed in a suit like the one he’d worn last night. 

“Were you here the whole time?” I asserted 

Ray looked away as his lips parted to speak,”M-maybe” he stammered twisting his wedding ring 

“It’s okay, really.” 

Half smiling, I gazed at my feet

Ray drew a heavy breath,“I’m sorry about earlier, I overshared on the phone. It’s just,things between Seema and I are falling apart and now it’s all becoming real. Her lawyer came this morning.” 

I sighed heavily and looked up.  “That sounds really hard, Ray.” 

“Thanks again. How are things with you?” 

I glanced up as my lips parted, “They’re Okay.” 

“What happened to you?” Ray asked, looking at my hand.

“Nothing.”

“It doesn’t look like nothing. Will you at least show it to me?”

Holding my hand out, I spread it open wincing from the sting of the fresh cuts.

“You need to get this checked out.  I can bring you to the hospital.” Ray said.

“ I don’t want to inconvenience you. I can find my own way.” 

‘It’s no problem, really Dex. I’d love to help you out.”

Without a word, I followed him back to his vehicle.  Hopping into the passenger seat I listened as he started the car  in hopes the ride would be free of him continuing to get to know me.

After all, it would be useless because once anyone  saw  the real me, the only thing left for them to do was to leave. Who’d want to hear the tales of my crappy childhood, or how I’d throw rocks at pigeons for fun. Those would lead someone to the same conclusion everytime; that I was a monster. And Ray, he’d be no different. 

Twisting in my seat, I turned back to him.

“How long have you been working at the hotline?” Ray asked.

“For almost a year, right after I left the army. It was the only job I could find. Being a soldier was all I knew, and to be thrown back into the real world was hard. Not many places were hiring.”

Truth is, being a veteran is tough, on the one hand there’s people who’ll thank you for your service appreciating all you’ve done. Yet no one will hire you cause you don’t fit anymore. There’s no room for someone like me. No going back to civilian life. And it scares them.

Ray smiled. “That’s great, Dex. Do you like it there?” 

I took a heavy breath before beginning “It’s just a job, Ray. After I left the army, I was lost, the life I led as a soldier was gone. Then I saw an ad in the Bulletin; a suicide hotline was looking for people to take calls. I had nothing, so I took the job. Tried to make myself into the sort of guy who can help people on the verge of ending their lives. Doesn’t pay the greatest, but I see her, and it keeps me sane.” 

“Who’s  _ her _ , Dex? You said ‘make yourself’, what do you mean by that?

“Her name’s Julie, we had a falling out. Society wouldn’t tolerate a man like me, Ray, so instead I made up a story, a new identity so that for a while I can hide the real me.” 

Ray paused as silence ensued between us. I knew it; he’d ditch me here, and go back to whatever he was doing before finding me. I was a lost cause to him; one he didn’t need, I thought as we pulled up to the hospital’s parking lot. 

“Thank you,” I said, reaching for the door.

“Wait, let me come with you. I don’t want to leave you all alone.”

“I’m not a charity case,” I grumbled at the thought that I needed someone to hold my hand as I visited the emergency room. I wasn’t scared, truth is this was small compared to the places I was stationed in the army and the things I saw.  I’d only known Ray for a few hours, yet I’d hoped he’d see past my brave face and his hand would grab mine as we entered the hospital. 

“You look like you’re about to faint, Dex. Will you let me get you some help?”

“I–I’d like that,” I  stuttered following him into the hospital. 

Approaching the desk,  I watched as the receptionist looked up, lips coated in a red shade similar to Julie’s. “Hi, what brings you here today?” She asked 

“I injured my hand,” I replied 

“Let’s get you checked in, I’m going to need you to fill out this form” the receptionist continued handing me a clipboard.

Heading over to the waiting room, I found a seat and began to read over the form. But it was hard to focus on the questions through the pain that permeated my hand. 

I shot a quick glance over at Ray whose eyes were focused on his phone, busily tending to a work email. 

“What?” He asked looking up, his cheeks red. 

I promptly gave him some privacy as I filled out the form

The waiting room was filled with people, judging by the crowd I figured it would be a while before I saw a doctor. Just as I found a seat, I heard my name. 

“Benjamin?” a voice called out. I rose from my seat.

“I’ll be right here when you get out, Dex,” Ray assured me.

I quietly followed the nurse to an exam room, watching as she pulled the curtain closed around us.

“Hi,  Benjamin,  I’m Claire, may I take a look at your hand?”

Sighing, I pulled my hand out of my pocket spreading it out on the small table in front of her.

“That’s quite an injury you got there. Mind telling me how you did it?”

“ I woke up this morning, and everything was fine. Next thing I knew, I was overcome with emotion, drove my hand into the mirror.” 

“There’s a lot of glass inside your hand, and it may hurt but I need to get it out. Just keep still, “ Claire said, reaching for some tweezers.

“Have you done something like this before,  Ben ?”

I shifted my gaze to the floor,  ashamed of what I did knowing it would only cause her, and the society that already didn’t tolerate me to think I’m crazy. And if I lost function in my hand, then there would be no use for my ability, or to become any fiction. I’d simply be ‘ _ Dex’, _ and no one could have that. 

Telling the truth was the only thing I could do. With one glance into my medical records, they’d find the broken hand I’d come in here with last year. Blinking, I forced the words from my lips as I looked back up at the nurse, “I-I have.”

Claire sighed examining my hand as she set the tweezers down. “ All done, you’re pretty lucky, Ben, there’s no damage to any of your nerves. The cuts are superficial and should heal on their own but it looks like you have a bit of an infection starting,” she stated before reaching for a bandage and sanitizing the wounds.

“I’m going to go find a doctor to prescribe something for the pain and the small infection,” Claire said as she finished up. 

Soon Claire returned with a man dressed in a fancy-dress shirt that he wore underneath his white coat, brown hair slicked back just like Rays, thick glasses sat atop his face reminding me of the kind Dr. Mercer had worn sometimes during our sessions. “ Benjamin , this is Dr. Smith. He’s one of our doctors here. I informed him of what happened.” Claire  stated.

Dr. Smith stuck out his hand. “Nice to meet you,  Benjamin , now Claire tells me you’ve hurt your self?”

Grabbing his hand, I shook it before pulling away, not wanting to have any more contact. In fact, I wanted to go home and didn’t quite understand why there was a need for pain medication as my hand hardly hurt anymore.

Dr. Smith smiled. “I’m going to prescribe  some pain medication as well as antibiotics and those should help. Your bandage should be changed once a day, with the antibiotics taken daily. Is there someone that could assist you with that? If not we have a walk-in clinic not far from the hospital. “

Nodding, I listened to the doctor’s instructions as he scribbled down the prescriptions on his pad. “Yes,  I got a friend waiting for me.”

“Excellent! Just give these to the pharmacy on the way out and you’re okay to leave.”

“One more, thing. Here’s the number of one our therapists, don’t hesitate to reach out. It might help.” Dr. Smith added, handing me the card. 

Rising from the chair, I  took the card, and  headed back to the waiting room after making a quick stop at the hospital pharmacy. The crowd from before had thinned out, most had probably given up waiting or been seen by doctors.

In a far chair, I noticed Ray. Brushing a hand through his hair, he sighed rising from his seat before approaching me. “Hey, Dex. Are you ready to go?”

“Yes I am.” I replied.

“Is it close to the start of your shift? If so, I could give you a ride?” 

Looking over to the clock above the front desk, I nodded. 

We headed out of the hospital. Ray offered to drive me to work, and I accepted. The drive over to the  building  was free of questions as he’d seemingly ran out.Instead I listened to him go on about his wife, while he wished with everything that they could make things work. 

“Thanks for the ride, Ray.” 

“Have a good day, Dex.”

Waving to him once again as I disappeared through the door as the air conditioning hit my face. It was fall, yet the office manager decided they still needed to cool the place . I quickly headed over to the coffee station and poured myself a cup before heading over to my cubicle. I sat down, my gaze shifting over to Julie’s desk, she hadn’t arrived yet, but I knew she’d be here soon because her shift was starting in a few minutes just like mine.

Taking a sip of my hot coffee, I peered over at Julie’s desk. She still isn’t in. That’s not like her. Julie’s always early. Had she overheard what I’ve done and went to the higher ups?

She wouldn’t do that, even when we messed up a call. Julie would give any of us a second chance, that’s who she is and wouldn’t have anyone fired unless there was no other choice. Sitting back in my chair,  I hoped she’d do that for me.

Slipping my headset over my head, I felt a familiar tap on my shoulder. It was Julie, I looked up to see her dressed in a flowery top, her long red hair pulled back in a ponytail.  A grin spread across my lips as she made her way to my cubicle. 

“Hello, Dex.”

“Hi, Julie. I-I didn’t see you when I came in?” I  said 

“I was running late, but while we have a few minutes could I talk to you, somewhere private?” Julie asks 

Sighing, I set my headset down on my desk  and rose from my chair. Almost hearing the words about to escape her lips, ones that would take everything I had away. And that she’d called the police, and they were on their way to arrest me because the caller had taken my advice. 

“What is this, Julie?”  I asked as we reached her office 

“Come in,” Julie replied shutting the door behind her 

“I’m sorry, Dex but I had to report you after last night, checking the call transcripts I saw what you said. You asked a caller if they had a gun, that’s not okay. Because of me, the hotline agreed to simply let you go, and not file charges.” Julie stated. 

“Did you even consider  that I stopped myself realizing I’d made a mistake, said something I shouldn’t have. We all do that, Julie.” 

Julie sighed, “I did,  but no one would hear it despite my praise.  T heir minds were made up.”

“I need this job. There has to be something you can do, convince them to give me a second chance.“

“I’m sorry, Dex but there's nothing I can do, I tried my best but it wasn’t enough.” 

“Do you have any idea how hard it was to get this one? Places aren’t exactly scurrying to hire me, or any other veteran coming off a tour. They're afraid of the PTSD you’ve returned with, and that one day something will set you off. My head is above water now, but soon enough I’ll be back amongst the waves fighting to stay at the surface.” 

“I don’t, and that’s something I’ll never understand but don’t give up, fight to find  a new path.” 

Turning away, I reached for the doorknob pulling it open as I set off down the hallway back to my desk to collect the little personal items I’d had. For a minute, I paused hearing Julie giving someone else the same praise she used to give me. I had no clue where I’d find my next fiction, this one felt like it for me. 

I’d  thought  I was doing a good job, becoming that voice of support for someone on the edge of ending it all. But I considered myself lucky  the hotline didn’t press charges and I wasn’t led away in handcuffs because the caller had decided to listen to me. 

“Goodbye, Julie,” I said before heading towards the front door

“ _ You’re not like them, Dex. Don’t give up, fight to find a new path. _ ” Julie’s voice echoed in my mind as I pushed  the door open.  The cool air brushed against my face  as I walked down the sidewalk, hoping to find Ray in the same spot I’d met him. He was the only bright light in all this, and yet I couldn't understand why Ray had taken so much interest in a guy who hid behind the mask of a call operator at a suicide hotline. A voice on the other end of the line, a reason someone didn’t die tonight. Maybe that was enough for him, this persona I became before having it ripped away, told I had to find a new one. 


End file.
